Every once a while, we have a good malapropism wash over the transom and into our Mailport section. This letter dates from several years ago, but with laughter being so rare and necessary these days, I thought it was worth recycling.
Dear Practical Sailor,
What do you think about a J/24 for cursing?
Thank you,
A Loyal Subscriber
Dear Loyal Subscriber,
Thanks for your letter.
In my opinion, a J/24 is a little too small for serious offshore cursing. They are pretty sensitive boats and might not hold up to well to a long, hard curse. Then again, some sailing schools still use J/24s to teach basic cursing. And frankly, I know plenty of sailors who wouldn’t hesitate to curse a J/24. I should mention that these are mostly racing sailors, but they can curse right up there with best of us.
Some people will tell you to that cursing any boat under 30 feet is sheer madness. But there are plenty of people who have cursed some very small boats across the world’s oceans. Transhumanist and GOP candidate Zoltan Istvan cursed a small Pearson Commander from the U.S. West Coast all the way to the Mediterranean Sea. You know what they say, “One person’s sheer madness is another person’s grand ambition to rewire human race.” I think that holds true for cursing. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Closer to home, trans-Pacific small-boat veteran Steven Cannon and I cursed a Balboa 26 during a one-week charter in the Florida Bay. It’s only a little bigger than a J/24, and it had all the basic equipment you need for cursing. A marine toilet, which we sailors call a “head,” is of course essential if you want to do some serious cursing. The Balboa had a port-a-potty, which, according to the owner, had worked flawlessly despite three years of cursing.
Believe me, if you are planning to sail around the Florida Bay, or any shallow waters, you want a boat like the Balboa, with a centerboard that can raised up quickly. Each time we struck an oyster bar, it barely interrupted our cursing, we would just lift the centerboard and carry on cursing. For authentic back-country cursing, you really can’t beat the Florida Bay, where you can discover some secret spots to curse like the The Nightmare. As you can tell by the name, the charts used for cursing this region are very old, dating back to the time when state of Florida still had a grip on reality.
I must warn you, however. Once you start cursing, it is hard to stop. I have this problem myself. My girlfriend blames the rum—she says that the more I drink, the more I want to curse. I say that’s crazy, cursing is in my blood. And she says, that’s her point.
Although technically she’s a “horse person,” she’s a natural at cursing (maybe there’s a connection?). She really seems to enjoy it, so I’m hopeful about cursing together in the future. I think it is important to temper her expectations. To be honest, full-time cursing can be really exhausting!
Anyway, you are doing the right thing by asking lots of questions. Cursing is a continuous process, and even the experts are always learning. It certainly helps if you have the right boat. Once you are ready to commit, we recently reviewed several sailboats under $75K that would be well-suited for cursing. Before you sign on the dotted line, though, you’ll want to hire a good marine surveyor who will be able to warn you if boat has been cursed beyond the point of repair. Like I said, some boats just aren’t made for a long, hard curse.
Fair winds and happy cursing,
Darrell Nicholson
Practical Sailor
Editor
Denis Leary would be proud!
I didn’t realize that offshore cursing was different than regular cursing. Is there a special dictionary for offshore cursing?
There are times and places out there
That can sometimes tend to blur
The boundary between curse and prayer
I often remember fondly our time cursing our steel 30 footer while situated in the Bahamas, Cursing was my main objective when we considered the wisdom of using that properly unprepared craft, and we certainly had many excellent opportunities to curse it through those memorable days!! So carry on cursing, it’s what us sailors do best … LOL!!
Offshore cursing is similar, just more expensive.
As a trailer sailor, I can say with confidence that even the mostly solo day sailing I do provides me plenty of cursing opportunities. Even though I never leave sight of shore, my little 22 footer is very good for overnight and weekend cursing — even on day trips. In fact, I don’t even have to be on the water to curse her. The act of rigging and preparing her for launch by myself is more than many non-cursing bystanders can take. Good luck and have fun!
Of curse, this is totally hilarious!
Thanks for the laugh! There’s nothing like a good cursing story to cheer one up during the virus blues.
J-24s turn upside down sometimes….I’d be cursing for sure. Much better choices out there.
Don’t forget Webb Childs, a 5 time circumnavigator. First in 17 ft open boat, recently in Moore 24
I find that wine-ing is a lot more fun than cursing. The crew responds better and it’s a lot more relaxing. Goes good with the crabs, too.
A great laugh. Having raced (while cursing) a J 24 for many years, and weekend cursing for many years with a family of 5 on a Balboa 26, this brought back fond memories of cursing.
DLW
I started cursing the minute I started reading this article and saw the word ‘malapropism.’ I hate words I have to look up.
Way bac k, I got a 420 ( called a Club 420 in the USA ?)
I cruised a lot in Zeeland, sometimes camping on a beach, sometimes, sleeping in it with the tent over the boom. It might not be cursing, not cruising, but “cramping” ?
I’m gonna save this article and prepare my friends who go out cursing with us, the reason we curse. The rum does have an effect on the cursing in that sometimes, you have to stop cursing and pick up more rum. We were going on a week long curse in the Virgins but with the Covid19, we figured on cutting back on the rum and switching to Corona but still continue cursing. Next year we’re going to go and curse for a full ten days. Have fun cursing when you can. We can’t even curse locally this year, yet, because the marinas are closed. Probably ran out of Corona…. Stay safe and healthy. Curse it all!
I swear, you guys do a great job for the cusstomer. I have often wondered about blue language sailing. you have to be able to read an off-color sky, I know. some basstards like to fish off their boat. they should be hauled ashore by the balls of their feet and kicked in their dingy dinghies. in Norfolk. I’m a bulkhead man with a very fat girlfriend aboard. I do like to feel her chines. I lashed her to my rode and rode her off the beach. I met her in Wales, naturally.
For some reason our cursing seems much more prevalent at the dock, and seems to drop off quite a bit once we’ve left the dock and are out cruising!
I’m with John Connell, a 22’ boat provides lots of opportunities for weekend cursing, especially when the cursed gusts pick up. Our dear little Certainty, a Rhodes 22, seems to summon small craft warnings as soon as we get an hour out of the slip, which leads to lots of cursing following the screams of terror evoked by a big puff.
My wife an I just spent 7 months cursing in Mexico, our 44’ catamaran has 2 of everything, we’re pretty handy sailors so we work on our own projects…we are bilingual and love cursing with the locals…SV Baja Fog is a hell of a cursing cat….even our kids are getting into cursing(we’re so proud).
Thoro’ly enjoyed the piece. One thing caught my attention; the similarities sailing a boat with controlling a horse. You can point out to your gf that a boat has reins and you can steer with your knees. I swear that in a blow a sailboat feels like it has a mind of its own. This accompanies cursing but does no good.
New to the site, our 40+ year O’Day 20 is still on the hard being refurbished by complete novices with great enthusiasm. Dream about gunkholing and cursing daily. We’re sheltering in place while the “Lacey Bleu” is sheltering in place 4 1/2 hours from us awaiting TLC. Yup, cursing every day. Thanks to all for the much needed laughter.
IMHO, a real cursing vessel MUST have a marine head, between the calistenics to access the parts; the masserator; replacing the waste line, these are a must for quality verbage (I know). Granted crappy seas and wind are their own thing, but a marine head really does it!
Anyway, you are doing the right thing by asking lots of questions. Cursing is a continuous process, and even the experts are always learning. It certainly helps if you have the right boat. Once you are ready to commit, we recently reviewed several sailboats under $75K that would be well-suited for cursing. Before you sign on the dotted line, though, you’ll want to hire a good marine surveyor who will be able to warn you if boat has been cursed beyond the point of repair. Like I said, some boats just aren’t made for a long, hard curse.
Fair winds and happy cursing,
This is only the last two paragraphs of the article, but it is my observation that all you need for cursing is an unprintable vocabulary and indifference for spoken language.
As I recall from my younger and more indifferent past, cursing is just having a bad mouth and usually loud voice with unprintable printing or spelling with a lot of asterisks. Please refrain from CURSING me!
In younger days I toyed with the idea of cruising at least the inland waters and I did sail the Pacific off Monterey Bay of California and a bit of sailing on the Chesapeake Bay leading to the Atlantic Ocean. Since these were only day-sails, I can’t really call it CRUISING, but at no time did it lead to CURSING!
Thanks, Grampa Gary